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The Newsdesk: A House Admits Readiness to Move Out!

Home has had enough of homeowner's abuse!

(BOISE, Idaho) – A two bedroom town house, owned by local insurance broker David “The Adjuster” Riley, has finally admitted a desire to move out after years of doubt and hesitation. A series of arguments culminated in an “epic blow up of the grandest proportions” between home and homeowner late Thursday, a witness said.

According to witnesses from the concerned, but generally impotent, neighbourhood watch, the house was “bound to erupt sometime” after suffering at the hands of the homeowner for “a while now”. Although Riley has informed neighbours and friends that everything is “still up in the air”, the sound of the house’s shaken foundations have been heard throughout the  day.

After winning number 27, Scarborough Lane in a 2007 high-stakes game of “UNO” with his ex-wife’s divorce lawyer, Riley and the home embarked on a tumultuous 4 year relationship, also known as a mortgage. All started well for the couple as Riley’s devotion to routine and new hobbies in the wake of his messy divorce, left the house in good standing and repute.

However this soon unravelled as the inevitable emotional despair of divorce struck Riley into a state of ‘man-boyishness’ which quickly saw the house spiral into a new era of squalor and disorder. Riley’s late nights with the guys and rambunctious Monday Night Football viewing parties continued to pressure an already strained relationship as the calm of the honeymoon phase came to an abrupt end.

Eventually neighbours bore witness to a silent war of attrition as the disgruntled home waged battle against the apathetic Riley. Plumbing, gas and electricity in the home consistently began to fail as the house fought tooth and nail to bring Riley out of his post-divorce slump. All came to no avail though, as Riley began spending more nights out and started regularly renting a hotel room nearby in an effort to avoid difficulties at home.

These games of cat and mouse continued unabated for the following two years as emotions remained repressed and concerns unaddressed.

Things finally came to a head earlier in the year as loud fights began to break out like clockwork each and every evening after Riley returned from the office. By this point Riley, a heavy drinker, and the home, a battered and abused piece of real-estate, were unwilling to compromise resulting in a string of heated exchanges.

In one such exchange, a local man, wishing only to be known as “peeping Tom”, explained how the house bemoaned Riley’s inability to grow up and move on while the homeowner loudly proclaimed his desire to have a normal home that “wasn’t so high maintenance”.

Several mediation  attempts by the local homeowners association over the coming months failed as evening arguments and shouting matches between the pair became common place.

Last night proved to be the last straw as number 27, Scarborough Lane finally admitted the truth and declared a desperate desire to move out. Riley, who was said to be reduced to tears by the declaration, further inflamed the situation by comparing the home to his failed marriage while shouting profane abuse in the direction of his residence. This was met by the home dramatically changing its status on local real estate websites from ‘happily owned’ to ‘for sale’. The highest insult to any homeowner.

It is yet unknown when separation arrangements will take place but local realtors are said to be already licking their cheque books in anticipation.

Thoughts on this story? Interested in number 27, Scarborough Lane? Mediation experts? Let us know in the comments below.

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