The Shame Of It All!

Yet another one of those touching “father-daughter” moments courtesy of a foul ball in the MLB.

Too bad dad missed both the ball and his daughter. Unfortunately, resident psycho-logist Wilson has alerted us to the scientific likelihood that the dropping of the daughter will probably go on to cause some long-term emotional damage.

Can anyone say “trust” issues? Can anyone say “daddy” issues? She sure will.

Any recovery tips for father or child? Let us know in the comments below.

Wilson’s Live Tweet: 5/28

Wilson’s Madness is Evidence of his Brilliance”. Victor Hugo (Posthumously)

Wilson here: When everyone counts you out just remind yourself that some people can only count so far. #DigitDeficiency

Wilson here: Swish once told me he had a crush on CNN’s Wolf Blitzer and Al Jazeera weatherman Everton Fox. #BeastialityMeetsHumanity

Wilson here: Playing sports and dating are the same. You get rejected a many times before you end up suceeding and scoring! #NoPainNoGame

Wilson here: People always ask me what my thought process is. I tell them that I believe in cost-cutting. Processes always sound expensive!

Wilson here: Some have asked me what TV shows I watch? My response is always the same. “Most of them”. #VagueAnswersAreFun

Wilson here: Many don’t know this but I do have a last name. You just don’t hear it coz it is made up entirely of silent letters. #

Wilson here: I can only condone going down when in the elevator! #ReadIntoThisAllYouWant #MindsOutTheGutter #Please

Wilson here: Professionalism is coming into the office wearing a shirt with two ties. One down the front and one down the back. #TrendAlert

Wilson here: There was a time I could remember the names of every person I had ever met. I just don’t remember when that time was. #Memories

Wilson here: The Daily Segway reminds me of the Syrian intelligence agency. They fully support the rights of management to do what they like

Wilson here: #BeatingsAreBad but #ThreatsAreWorse

Wilson here: All tweets are status updates. Are all status updates, tweets? Venn Diagram please. #HighSchoolMathWasBooorrrriiinnnggg

Craigslist Has No Limits.

So I guess we must have all been wondering what ‘Al Qaeda’ were going to do following the demise of their leader Osama Bin Laden.

Well we got their answer but even we were surprised how.

Click on the picture to zoom!

Not through another ominous communiqué, not through a poorly edited doom-video or even through a retaliatory strike against the “West”.

Instead we were astounded to find out that the feared terror network turned to online classifieds service Craigslist in an effort to react to Bin Laden’s freshly vacated sandals.

The classified calling for a militant leader is clearly spelled out. Requirements are straight forward while the benefits and challenges have also been made clear. An especially vital piece of information was the “must be able to occupy such places, but not limited to” section.

Personal favourites include, but are not limited to damp caves, outhouses, hollowed out Yak carcasses and 7-11.

This is a brilliantly crafted classified and it seems Al Qaeda is moving into the twenty-first century by using such technology to recruit a new leader.

Who knows maybe we will see the terror network on twitter soon.

Any ideas for Al Qaeda themed twitter handles? We’ll get it started with @DeathToAllThingsEverIncludingButNotLimitedToOurselves

Let us know in the comments below.

Michael Bolton Back From… “Where was he Again?”

If you are not familiar with the “Skit-kings” that are the lonely island, you should be.

The group entertain the masses as a trio of fake MCs as they parody TV, culture and music through a number of hilarious musical numbers. They churned out classics such as “Like a Boss“, “I’m on a Boat” and “Jizzed in my pants” in their first studio project.

But now they give us the joy and humour of a second studio album. Too good to be true, you say?

Well it isn’t. Here is their latest project featuring the one and lonely Michael Bolton.

I never thought in my wildest nightmares that Michael Bolton would ever be hip again, but I guess I was very wrong.

It seems the old dog has a few tricks left in him yet, besides a mean saxophone solo that is. Oh how my childhood was tormented by the evil beauty of that saxophone solo (Get out of my head already Bolton!)

Thoughts? Ideas? Repressed memories? Let us know in the comments below.

(P.S. As blogging is said to be very therapeutic expect us to delve into these childhood memories in more detail soon)

US Intel Takes Advantage of Social Media

As we are sure you are all wondering. This is exactly how the US military came upon the unsuspecting Osama Bin Laden last week.

In yet more surprising information that has come out of this incident, the below image captured Bin Laden’s relaxed attitude in the face of his impending demise.

Can we really trust our social media accounts? Are they another way of keeping tabs on the unsuspecting public? Let us know in the comments below.

Tina Fey Tackles Motherhood In Single Letter

Came across something fantastically interesting a little while ago and I admit the thought of sharing it did cross my mind.

Then the selfishness commonly associated with playing with your best toy when noone else is around or keeping a fabled magical ring to yourself at the detriment of middle-earth, set in. Childish is an understatement but what can I say I need help.

Needless to say I resisted the duty to share for as long as possible before a sudden bout of selflessness crippled the desire to keep this to myself. So here goes.

Presenting Tina Fey, former SNL writer and current star of sitcom 30 Rock. This is an excerpt from her book (PG) Bossypants which can be found on Amazon.

____________________________

A Mother’s Prayer For Her Child

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

______________________________

HT: Melody Godfred

Impressions? Additions? Let us know in the comments below.

The NBA, Where National Geographic Happens.

Nominee for best wildlife documentary at the 2011 Oscars. ‘Hinterland Who’s Who’ brings you the touching story of the much maligned Boshtrich. An often misunderstood NBA species.

“For more information on the Boshtrich tune into Miami Heat telecasts”

Deron Williams On The Jersey Shore!

Deron To Replace Recently Departed Sammi On "The Jersey Shore"

Although all the details surrounding the deal have not yet been revealed, this is where we stand at the moment

The deal involves the Nets and Jazz.

New Jersey Nets get: Deron Williams

Utah Jazz get: Devin Harris, Derrick Favors and two first-round picks (Nets 2011 pick & Nets-owned Warriors 2012 pick)

This is huge news for the Jazz following the abrupt retirement of long-time coach Jerry Sloan last week. They look like the ultimate winners in this trade. What could be even more attractive than the potential that Favors brings to this team are the first-round picks which, judging by the Nets record this season, could be lottery. Favors will now be vying for a spot on the Jazz’s front court with Millsap and Jefferson, which may mean one or both of them could be on the trading block.

On the Nets side of things, this was a master class in negotiation from Prokhorov. He helped the Nuggets drive up the price on Melo and then swooped in to get D-Will right before the deadline. Weakening divisional opponent while strengthening your own roster = masterclass. Although the Nets gave up Derrick Favors in this deal, they now have a superstar piece which may be enough to attract Dwight Howard in 2012.

“Nets got (arguably) a better player than Carmelo Anthony for less than what they were offering the Denver Nuggets for Melo” John Schuhmann

All Star Caption Contest

"James' Beard, I Am Your Father" (Image/NBAOffseason)

Not quite sure how we missed this, but supposedly this scene occurred at some point during last weekend’s dunk festivities. Given that we were all caught up in the rim-wrangling, prop-smuggling performances put on by JaVale & Co. (Yes, Blake doesn’t get top billing!) it is understandable that we missed this. Nonetheless, this tender moment, brought to you by the committee for the appreciation of groomed facial hair, should have had its own highlight reel. As a side note, please have a look at Chris Bosh and Brandon Jennings in the background.

Since we all love those caption contests on some newspapers, here is our chance to offer our readers the same delights. Leave your caption in the comments below. Best caption gets an intricate post about how awesome their caption is!

The Biggest Loser: Skills Challenge Edition

Out of the showbiz and glitz of the past weekend’s events, a number of winners emerged. Blake dunked over a car, James Jones blitzed the triffecta gala and Spicy Curry burned his way through the field at the skills contest. However, here at the daily segway, we choose not to celebrate our deserving winners. Instead, we take a long, yet refreshing, gulp of the sweetest haterade this side of the “round mound of rebounding” and laud our undeserving losers. Yes, the same ones who provided us with the gut-wrenching laughs, that kept us tipped over the edge of our couches for substantial portions of the past weekend.

First up, we present Christopher Paul. His plaudits include being considered the best point guard in the league (behind Derrick Rose and Deron Williams), a “near” MVP season (Thanks to 07-08 MVP, Kobe), as well as three previous appearances in the skills challenge without a win. In order to redeem what was left of his street cred, he jumped at the opportunity to participate in an unprecedented fourth skill challenge. Here were the results.

Congratulations Chris, you are the biggest loser. Maybe we can have a reunion season at next year’s event in Orlando.

HT: TDS/8935